How much longer do we to act like we know what we are doing?

My weakest life skill is human interaction.

Guess who doesn’t have to worry about camouflage for the next couple days? #ThisGuy #SnowStorm

For the record, you guys have made 2013 so fun on social media. Just kidding. We are all wasting our lives!!!

When is someone going to open a grocery that sells only donuts and bagels and call it Hole Foods? #thankyou #Imhereallinternet

Instead of trying to figure out what the issues are behind the government shutdown I should come up with some funny comment. – Social Media

I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December.

If you’re still writing 2011 on checks, try on line banking like the rest of the world.

They said this new Macintosh operating system was better but they were Lion.

Twitter is so much easier than being outgoing.

When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can’t afford this, you idiot.”?

My next comedy special will be filmed in Washington,DC @ Warner Theater on Saturday February 25th. Tkts onsale soon. say.ly/ymL10HT

“I can’t wait to see that Smurf movie” – Nobody