Parenting pro tip #823:

If your picky toddler refuses to eat something, try it with ketchup! Carrots, broccoli, bananas; doesn’t seem to matter to my 3 year old.

3 year old: “Daddy you’re a giraffe and mommy you’re a penguin”

Me: “Oh really? What animal are you?”

3 year old: “Um… I don’t umm.. animals… … I’m a screw driver!”

#iAmDead

The newest 3-year old standing next to her name on the birthday wall at instagram.com/p/BdRD6GYlVP_/

@JoAnnStilley Zadie got an iPad too. It’s really confusing to set up. Took me 20 minutes to get the 3 year old to sit still to calibrate the fingerprint reader. Not sure she gets how to use it to log in.

Got the nearly 3 year old her own iPad for Christmas and holy hell Apple sucks at on boarding. So passcodes, iCloud passwords, some iCloud pin that I have no idea what it is, legalese, slow. I thought they were good at this.

Lesson learned. The original Snow White (1937) is a little too dramatic in the beginning for an almost 3 year old.

@brownpau Mine 2 year old colored on the carpet at the inlaws

@EliFitch You could call it “Life with a 3 Year Old”

@JacksonBates @davatron5000 Man y’all have some creepy kids. My almost 3 year old is afraid of flys eating her but she says some hilarious things otherwise.

Spent my 20 minute commute singing Happy Birthday to a Slinky to appease the 2 year old. How is your morning going?

When I need to generate a secure password I just ask my 2 year old.

Pro: Truly random
Con: Only uses the characters 1, 2, 5, Elmo, cake

If there was some way to combine Sesame Street and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse my two-year old would be all set

Dropped my 2.5 year old OnePlus One today and shattered the screen. Let’s try this $150 BLU Vivo XL in the meantime amzn.to/2kcDTo8

@nacin My almost 2-year old is the same way. Focusing more on incoherent babble instead of getting shit done.

@williamsba I believe those are called 14 year olds.

Swinging in the play gym at Kidville for a one-year olds birthday party with @naudebynature’s… instagram.com/p/_NkH_JDe85/

@JoAnnStilley Thanks for the dress. It finally fits her. We’re at a 2 year olds birthday party, hence the ears.

Cubicle streamers, candy, and a cat birthday card from some of the best coworkers a 30 year old could… instagram.com/p/13Qk2sjexv/

Twitter sent me an email congratulating me on my 4 year Twitterversary today. Here is my 8-year old first tweet twitter.com/kingkool68/statuses/…

@snowpunk Ah but you’re not my boss who will surely read my tweet and upgrade my 3 year old iMac.